Ben Shine

Fuck xenophobia; let’s never hire foreign coaches ever again

Two days before the second Ashes Test and Mickey Arthur has laid a big, steaming turd in the middle of the Australian cricket team’s dressing room – and it’s going to be a hard one to clean up.

At a time when the Australians need cohesion and every single player hitting their straps, Arthur’s claims of disunity within the Australian team and severe division within the senior playing group are certainly not going to help the team’s preparation for the Lords Test.

"Silly Michael, he knows I'm not a Cancer - I'm a Gemini... Duh!"

“Silly Michael, he knows I’m not a Cancer – I’m a Gemini… Duh!”

While it remains to be seen what impact these comments will have on the Aussie’s performance, can you can be damned certain that they will be fingered as the lethal blow in any post-mortem, should England take a 2-0 series lead after this weekend.

In the event of an Australian loss, we can forget about hating on Shane Watson. We can forget about Stuart Broad being a bad bloke. We can forget about DRS. Suddenly Mickey Arthur becomes public enemy number one is Australia.

All of this makes a great case to never, ever hire a foreign coach ever again.

Firstly, all foreigners should be treated with suspicion.*

Secondly, it’s difficult to imagine a coach with Australian citizenship trying to pull a stunt like Mickey Arthur just did. They just wouldn’t be able to show their face in the country again without facing the pitchforks, burning stakes and cries of ‘Judas’.

It doesn’t matter how controversial the dismissal, if you’re an Australian coach who wants to return to your mother country, you just don’t chuck a hissy-fit and jeopardise the national team’s chances. This has nothing to do with honour, it’s about fear. Who wants to be the guy who lost the Ashes?

But if you’re from South Africa or New Zealand or wherever, it doesn’t matter much if you fuck over your ex-employers. You’ll never have to see them again.

As the saying goes, don’t shit in your own backyard. You may end up stepping in it.

If it’s not your backyard in the first-place, then shit as much as you like. And boy, hasn’t Mickey Arthur shat everywhere.

*Please note this comment is not serious. This writer does not condone racism, xenophobia or any discrimination based on colour, creed or persuasion. Unless we’re talking about English people.

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